I have a pair of Tecova ropers that I wear to work and for dress-up events. Some days ago I sat down with a can of Kiwi and some brushes and put a good brush-shine on them to the point that one of the little old ladies at work saw them and commented that, “Every gentleman should have at least one set of footwear that needs to be shined.”
That off-hand comment got me to thinking: “What are the things that a gentleman should have?”
Quite honestly, the answer is fairly simple: Above all a gentleman should have confidence.
As simple as that is to say, there’s a whole kettle of fish hidden in that statement. I know how I developed my confidence, but — being me — I decided to see what the Internet had to say1.
Blink.
Not long after I was promoted — kicking and screaming2 — to Lieutenant at the Sheriff’s Office, we had one of the housing tanks in the jail get … festive. I showed up, walked into the housing area all by myself, holding my coffee mug, went to the electric kettle, and found it was full of coffee3.
I waved the pot, and said, “Whose coffee is this?”
Quoth an inmate, “Mine, mother[deleted], what are you going to do about it?”
I set my mug down, fished a stick of gum out of my shirt pocket, “Trade you gum for a shot.”
There was a whole bunch of blinking, then, “Naw, boss, that’s two pieces!”
“It’s jailhouse coffee. One stick.”
“Aw right. Aw right.”
I tossed the stick of gum onto the table, poured some coffee into my mug as an inmate dashed up to grab the gum, then sat at the table sipping nasty inmate coffee until a spokesman sat down across from me, and we had a talk.
Bear in mind — this was a 24-man dormitory tank, with 24 Medium/Maximum classification inmates who had already been gassed once, were still spun-up, and my back-up was outside the tank behind two secured gates — and I was unruffled enough to convince a tank-boss that the inmates had screwed up, and send two of them to Seg4.
According to the Internet, to develop confidence, I should: Focus on self-compassion, practice positive self-talk, prioritize self-care, embrace my failures, celebrate my wins, and seek support from others.
What the actual hell?
I have, in the past:
As a newly-minted Sergeant, made an Army full-bird colonel step-off5
Told elected officials at the County and State levels that they were wrong, and made it stick
Made a US Ambassador shut up and listen
Dealt with various tribal leaders at a peer level
All of these — and others — because I had confidence backing up my words. You do not develop the confidence to tell a grandstanding Texas State Representative “No” by “focusing on self-compassion”. You do not get the confidence to talk a TDC6 lifer felon into stopping the idiocy by “prioritizing self-care”.
Sigh.
Human beings — especially the male half — are oft compared to metal. We speak of temper — someone is “even-tempered”, someone else “loses their temper”, people can be “rusty”, have “steely resolve”, we “quench” disputes, so on and so forth.
Much like steel, the ore that is youth must be forged into adulthood. Confidence is the sheen that you see on fine steel. Self-compassion, positive self-talk, prioritizing self-care, embracing failures, celebrating wins, and seeking support from others may burnish the steel, may polish it, but the initial forging that produces the resilience of body, the resilience of mind, the resilience of spirit that leads to confidence — that comes from stress.
Stress the body through exercise. Learn to throw a jab, a cross, a hook, an uppercut, and an overhand. Learn the kicks — front, side, back, roundhouse, and crescent. Learn to pick up heavy weight, swim for distance, run. Learn calisthenics. Practice what you’ve learned daily.
Stress the mind through conversations with brilliant men of the past. Pick up Meditations, and talk to Marcus Aurelius; seek out Homer, Plato, Cicero, and contemplate their words; Machiavelli, Martin Luther, Whitman, Tennyson, and the Federalist Papers are all waiting in libraries. Speak to those who think differently than you, and question all things.
Stress the spirit by attempting the difficult … and failing. Climb into the ring against opponents better than you are, and lose … until you don’t. Then find someone else better than you. Take a piece of wood, or leather, or metal, and try to make beauty with your hands. Fail … and try again. Take to the mats with that little black belt who continually hits you with the planet … until he doesn’t. Then find another. Set yourself goals when you lift weights, when you run, when hike. Goals that are hard enough that you may fail — and when you do, try again. Be audacious! Try, fail, and try again!
Is it hard? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. Will you achieve it tomorrow or next week? Hell, no. The confidence gained from being physically and mentally competent does not come easily. Resilience in body, mind, and spirit requires work and sacrifice.
In the Grand Scheme of Things — for a man — confidence born of competence and resilience is the only self-confidence that matters. Any confidence not stemming from stress, competence, and resilience is a confidence not worth having — as with any other poorly forged metal, it will shatter at the worst of times.
Just my humble opinion7.
Ian
Never a good idea, truth be told.
You think I’m kidding? It took the Chief Deputy 30-45 minutes of arguing to get me to accept that promotion.
A very clear violation of the Inmate Housing Rules.
Segregation a/k/a solitary confinement.
I would up offering to shoot him. I was later told if I had shot him I would have gotten a medal. Good thing I didn’t know that at the time.
Texas Department of Corrections. Now called Texas Department of Criminal Justice, but most OG deputies still use “TDC”.
And that’s what you get when my mind wanders.
If you want to improve your temper, you have to accept that you're going to get hammered along the way.
It's not hubris when you can back it up.