You're an idiot, part 2

Oven cleaner for self-defence

Huh. I may be getting better at the AI art thing.

Today we’ll discuss the — quite frankly stupid — advice to keep a can of oven-cleaner spray for self-defence purposes.

Sigh. This particular tactical myth has caused me more headaches over the years decades than “birdshot for home defence” and “boutique pistol rounds” put together.

In a country where OC/Pepper Spray is legal, in some fashion, in all 50 States, and the District of Cockwombles Columbia¹ …

Yes, all 50 States.

Yes, I’m sure about that.

Really sure.

… It beggars my imagination as to why a professed “expert” would recommend a product not designed for self-defence use, never intended for self-defence use, with a legal department ready to stand up in court and denounce the use of their product for self-defence — over a product that is not only purpose-designed for self-defence, but has a long-standing legal precedent as to its use for self-defence.

But here we are.

One of the things that will eventually come out when you start questioning the idiots who advise oven-cleaner spray² over pepper spray is something along the lines of “They can’t attack you if their [face is] [eyeballs are] melted.”³

Leaving aside the fact that if this were true it would violate Ian’s Rules For Jury Trials #3⁴, let’s take a hard look at that statement.

The active ingredient in oven-cleaner is sodium hydroxide. Your great-grandparents knew it as “lye” and bought it by the pound for making soap, hominy, and lutefisk; and they used it in the preparation of pretzels, bagels, olives, and ramen, amongst other household stuff.

Does the fact that your great-grandmother used mass quantities of lye while wading through sprogs up to her waist, and didn’t put half of said teacup humans in the hospital with melted bits mean that lye is safe?

By no means. Sodium hydroxide is also known as “caustic soda” for a reason. In the proportions that are in spray oven-cleaner it is entirely capable of creating involuntary closing of the eyes, difficulty breathing, and chemical burns.

You know what also causes involuntary closing of the eyes and difficulty breathing?

SODDING PEPPER SPRAY.

So.

You have just hosed down Joe Critter with your entire can of Easy-Off Oven Cleaner. The same caustic soda you are relying upon to stop his unlawful attack has filled your bedroom, so that you may also indulge in some deep breathing of the fumes, with some attendant dabbling of said fumes on your own skin, and in your eyes. Joe, hyped up on adrenaline and Unlicenced Recreational Pharmaceuticals, hasn’t noticed yet; and is now grappling with you, smearing even more caustic soda on your tender pink hide.

And when the pain hits, is he going to run, or is he going to go berserk? Well, that’s a damned fine question, isn’t it?

Or … you can hose him down with pepper spray/OC. You not only give him the same difficulty breathing and involuntary eye closure as the oven cleaner, but — because it’s DESIGNED FOR DEFENCE — it probably happens quicker, and in a more overwhelming fashion. And if you get a snout-full of the over-spray, or it smeared all over you, it doesn’t come with the possible lifetime effects of sodium hydroxide exposure.

Stop listening to idiots. When it comes to self-defence purposes, use the stuff intentionally-designed for self-defence use — there’s a reason it was designed that way.

Ian

1. Again: If you live in some God-forsaken hell-hole which criminalises basic self-defence I can’t help you. Bloody well leave.

2. Usually with the advice to take a hot needle and “open up” the nozzle.

3. The technical term for this is “malice aforethought”.

4. Don’t squick out the jury.