I should not read the local news

First thing in the morning.

Me, the usual.

Have you even been half-a-coffee deep in the morning, open the local news, and the very first article you read makes you sigh?¹

Gentle Reader — if you have not already done so — when you have some spare time² go make a copy of the key to the front door of your house. Then go buy a pack of chemlights — the four-inch version is fine, just make sure it has a hole in one end, as well as a hook; and then get a small carabiner that’ll fit the hole. Put all three³ of these in your bedside table.

Why?

Around these parts if you wake up at 0300 with an unauthorised critter inside your house, Metthew is not kicking in your door — they don’t have the arse. Four out of five times they’re crawling in a window, either after taking out a window unit A/C, or after pitching a brick through the glass. This goes double if said critter is hiding from cops actively looking for his skinny arse. A kicked-in front door is just a giant sign saying, “Hey! That fugitive critter you’re looking for is probably hiding in here!”

If you wake up at zero-dark-thirty to the sound of breaking glass, or bipedal rodents scurrying through the kitchen — and you know it’s not a family member or friend — you do the following:

1. Bunker down behind your bed.

2. Call 911 on your cell phone, activate the speaker, and leave it on the bed.

3. Take the chemlight, crack it, put it on the carabiner⁴, and put the key on the carabiner.

Why? Two reasons. The first is because Murphy⁵ hates you. Personally. The second is because odds are that responding officers are … not going to be as good at crawling though a window as Methany is.⁶

So, when Dispatch tells you that your officers are on-scene, you open your window in the bedroom you’re bunkering in, and hand the nice officer that brightly-glowing key. If your sweaty and nervous hand fumbles the pass⁷ the key will be easily spotted in the grass or tasteful nandina landscaping the Light Of Your Life has been tending for years, and Officer Friendly doesn’t have to kick in the door⁸ to go look for whichever Trustee of Modern Recreational Pharmaceuticals might be hiding in your house.⁹

This goes double if you happen to sleep on the second floor. That bright chemlight becomes really important¹⁰ if you’re having to loft the key into the yard.

“Ian, I don’t bunker!”

You do you, Boo; but my 58-year-old arse isn’t that young stud any more, and the thought of going looking for “Critter Plus-1”¹¹ while half-asleep and wearing a bathrobe just doesn’t sound like fun any more. I figure if my taxes are paying for folks with armor, guns, pepper spray, radios, back-up, and Qualified Immunity — well, it’d be kind of daft not to take advantage of what I’m already paying for, right?

Also, if it’s a manhunt situation, and there are four agencies worth of All Hands On Deck running around all stoked on youth, excitement, and adrenaline — nah, I like this bedroom. Keeps oopsies to a minimum.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

Ian

1. Probably from the stabbing pain behind my left eye.

2. And spare cash.

3. Leave the wrapper sealed on the chemlight — it’ll deteriorate if unsealed.

4. Through the hole, not the hook, if you please.

5. “What can go wrong, will go wrong.”

6. It’s all the issued gear they’re wearing. Honest.

7. Or his does.

8. I’m very familiar with the officers at our local PD. Bless them, but “Moderate Speed, Medium Drag” means that “Hulk Smash!” will be chosen over picking the lock, or crawling through a window.

9. And if it’s an “All Hands On Deck” situation where the SWAT team got jocked-up those boys just purely do love to kick-in doors.

10. Also, using the ring/hole instead of the hook.

11. Ian’s Rule of Plus-1: “Whatever critter you spot, there’s always plus one you didn’t see.”