Keys aren't defense tools
Please stop acting like they are
I was doing a google wander, refreshing my memory on some slungshot techniques for a scene I was writing, when I came across an instructor who was recommending putting your keyring on a monkey’s fist; and when you needed to use it, to grasp the bundle of keys — with your thumb through the metal ring — when you swung the monkey’s fist.
Dude, just … no.
Outside of my personal avulsion1 aversion to having a metal ring around any of my digits during a close-in fight, this sent me down the rat-hole regarding the cottage industry — usually aimed at “women’s defence” — built around the use of keys to defend yourself.
Speaking only for myself: therein lies aneurysms.
Let me preface this by stating that your vehicle is many things. It is shelter, it is armour, it is storage for many useful items, it is triple-digit escape speeds, and — in extremis — it tends to be a 4,000 pound weapon.
It is none of these things if the keys to it are bent, broken, folded, spindled, missing, or in the possession of your attacker.
Kinetic social interactions are confusing, violent, and happen at high speed, using maximum muscular effort. Critters will slap at weapons, sweaty hands will lose weapons, a missed strike will tear weapons from your hands, and a fall will cause your weapons to skitter away.
If the keys to your vehicle are attached to that weapon … guess what?2
Imagine my horror when I discovered YubTub videos of alleged trainers who are still advising to grip your keys so that they stick out between your fingers, and then punch your attacker, or “rake them down his face”.
These trainers should be kicked in the taint, repeatedly, until such time as they cough up a testicle.
Keys are not designed to be impact weapons — they are thin, malleable brass. They are not designed to fit your hand for use as impact weapons. If you stick them out between your fingers, there’s a really good chance that when you punch a critter you will break one or more fingers in the process, and you will certainly hurt your hand.
“But, Ian, if a lady gouges his eyes, that’s effective!”
Uh huh. You know what’s even more effective than an eye-gouge using less than an inch of car key? An eye-gouge using four-inches of ball-point pen. And — guess what — if your Psychopath du Jour slaps the pen away, or starts running around with it sticking out of an eye socket, you still have access to 4,000 pounds of Get Away.
Plus, Pepper Spray beats car keys; a Comtech Stinger beats car keys; and any other number of dedicated built-for-the-purpose-of-defense tools beats using your nickel-plated brass car keys.
“Ian, the keys camouflage the weapon so the lady doesn’t get into legal trouble!”
I’m a retired cop. We know what pepper spray is, we know what a Stinger is, we know what a kubaton is, we know what a KeyDefender is, we know what the monkey’s fist is, and we know what that silly little cat-head knuck is. We know what they are even if you hang keys on them.
However if you absolutely positively must have key camouflage for your peace of mind, go find your Bowl of Unknown Keys3 and hang some keys that don’t actually open anything on your self-defense tool.
“But, Ian, if they hang their car keys on them, they won’t forget and leave their self-defense at home!”
That’s a training and mindset issue, not an equipment issue. If the only way your lady-friend can remember to pack her protection is by hanging it on her keychain where she doesn’t have to think about it … you should probably think long and hard about that sentence.
If she has to be constantly reminded to carry her weapon — she isn’t regarding the issue with the seriousness it demands. If the only way she’ll carry it is if she doesn’t have to think about it — then she won’t remember it when she needs it. And she won’t keep up practice4 with it.
It becomes a totem, not a tool. And we don’t put our faith in totems over tools.
TL;DR: Keys are for opening locks; weapons are for opening critters. Don’t confuse the two.
Ian
Google “degloving”. Have an empty stomach first.
And if you lose your house key during your dynamic interpersonal interaction … now the critter has the keys to your house. How does that feel?
If you don’t have a Drawer of Useless Keys, or Coffee Tin of Damfino Keys, your father or grandfather does.
Yes, everyone needs to do some practice.
This advice is catered to a subtype of ladies that vote for “common sense gun control” and faint at the idea of carrying a knife - but then after some thought decide that self-defense is a good idea.
So they settle for this nonsense. They’d abandon that idea if they’d tried hitting anything - anything at all - a couch pillow - with the key ring in hand.
I suppose, ultimately, keys are better than nothing. But if you're down to them only, agreed, something has gone seriously wrong along the way. (Said something might include the people who raised you ... but that's perhaps another discussion.)
Given many (most?) cars on the road these days don't even have "key" keys any more, but rather keyfobs, attempting to use keys as weapons makes even less sense. Among other scenarios, imagine gripping your keyring and accidentally hitting the "unlock" button.